It’s every writer’s dream to spend hours crafting a blog post that gets a whopping goose egg when it comes to online views, clicks, likes, comments, and shares. Reaching that level of lameness isn’t easy, though. Lucky for you, I have four surefire tips that will help you write the most unengaging B2B blog post of all time while securing absolutely zero leads.
Grab a pen and paper, because you’re going to want to jot down these hot tips:
1. TALK ONLY ABOUT YOUR COMPANY AND PRODUCTS.
Be like the annoying friends we all know and love: the ones who talk only about themselves any time you interact. Aren’t they a blast to be around!? That same quality you adore about those friends applies to writing great blog posts, too.
If you want to repel potential customers, talk tirelessly about your company and products like you’re a seasoned used car salesman. Those who do this are missing the point of a blog post, which is to provide value. Your goal is to help your target audiences build their businesses and solve problems — not sell to them. That part comes later.
2. DEFINITELY DON’T MAKE IT RELEVANT TO YOUR AUDIENCE.
When deciding on a topic, it’s best to choose one that has no connection whatsoever to your audience’s interests/needs/wants. The more irrelevant you can make it, the better. For instance, want to target dog owners with your content? Try writing a blog post on how to repair a car battery, or how to construct a DIY hamster wheel. Those are just a few starter ideas for you.
If your post doesn’t touch on any of the issues your readers face or news that’s relevant to them, it’s like you’re hanging a big blinking neon sign with an arrow pointing to your blog post that says, “Please don’t read this.” When you’re writing your next post, ask yourself why your audience would care. If you don’t know what your audience would want to read, it’s time to back up and conduct some persona research.
3. MAKE THE CONTENT AS BORING AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
Remember the best part of high school? I’m talking about the feeling you would get reading your science textbook — when your eyelids became heavier with each word. Ah, memories. Make sure you take that stale, lifeless content and replicate it in your next blog post.
For example, don’t you just love it when you start reading a sentence in a blog post you clicked on and it just seems to go on and on for so long that you’ve found yourself thinking about something else entirely and you’ve actually aged a whole year by the time the sentence wraps up? I’ll give you a second to catch your breath after that one.
Keep your sentences clear and concise, and be authentic — don’t be afraid to let your personality show. Honesty and realness go a long way. I also recommend writing how you speak — just without all the “ums” and “likes.”
4. PRETEND YOU NEVER LEARNED HOW TO SPELL.
If you realy wanna grabb the attention of your reader, channel your inner first grader and right like you are just lerning how. The moore erors you can make the better becuz the reader will come away saying “wow, now that iz a sorce I can rely on!!!!1”
Your blog post insights could be amazing — but if there are errors everywhere, they’re going to overshadow your message. Proofread your content, then proofread it again. Ask a colleague to read your post, too. They might spot something you didn’t see the first or even second time around. A post free of errors helps build credibility.
Well, there you have it! Four tips to help you write the worst blog post of all time — so bad your mom might not even read it! You. Are. Welcome.